This week I had the privilege of not only trying some haggis (The national dish of Scotland), but making one for myself. Supervised by the watchful eye of Chef Robin from our work I cooked up a light blizzard on the side of the road at the picturesque shores of Loch Less. If you have any inclination to share in my little Scottish experience, the following are brief instructions on how too cook your own haggis on the shores of whatever body of water you may be at.

Firstly, what you’ll need to do is get yourself some ingredients. You can’t cook a haggis without ingredients. It’s foolish of you to think so. This is not some kind of magical self-ingredient sourcing haggis. It’s just your every day haggis. Here are the ingredients you’ll need…

The ingredients you’ll need…
500g of Pinhead Oatmeal
1 packet of Suet
Salt and Pepper
1 Onion
1 Sheep’s stomach
1 Sheep’s pluck (Heart, Lungs & Liver)
2 Lamb stock cubes

Now what I should point out at this stage is that this is probably not “Traditional haggis” as such. Firstly, we are not historians. We are just three average guys traveling around Europe. All our research is done on the Internet between looking up pictures of naked celebrities, so our recipe may not be the most reliable. Secondly, we have deleted some of the harder to find items off the list. Traditionally, the haggis contains even more disgusting lights such as sheep’s eyes but unfortunately our sheep-eye dealer was away on vacation for the week and we were unable to source any from anywhere else. If you think you are more connected than us, than please feel free to look up your own more accurate recipe after you have finished looking at Cameron Diaz’s breasts.

What to do is…
I’m not gonna bore you with long and tedious instructions. This isn’t a lecture. This isn’t a novel. This isn’t a three hour movie that could have been summed up in one. This is a long and pointless list of things that it isn’t, which is probably far more tedious than detailed instructions could ever be. Anyway, I’ll give you the gist of it all in point form. Here goes…

Brief Instructions…
Boil pluck with stock cubes
Remove pieces of arteries and cartilage
Suppress feelings of disgust
Chop up remaining edible meat
Roast the oatmeal and chop up and cook the onion
Mix chopped pluck, roasted oatmeal, suet, onion, salt and pepper in a bowl and pack mix into the sheep’s stomach
Sew up the stomach and boil again
Suppress feelings of disgust once again.

So that’s how you make haggis. As revolting as it sounds, its actually pretty damn tasty. But if you really want to taste traditional haggis, cooking it yourself, following the instructions of a clueless backpacker is probably not your best way to go about it. But then again, neither is cooking it on the side of the road at loch ness. But damn, was it fun.